Yesterday I went to the doctor for the first time in a while. Don't get me wrong, I get sick OFTEN, but it has come to the point where every little glimpse of illness will not carry me to the doctor for meds. I have to be real sick, for a real long time to actually go. Yesterday, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired...I actually said that to my Mommy, who then made me an appointment. It turns out I have a "major sinus infection" and bronchitis, or as my brother Brendon calls it, "Sinus-itis". So, needless to say I have been basically popping antibiotics like its my job and lounging more than I have in almost a year. I have gotten a lot of use out my blankey (yes, I have a comfort blanket that I use whether it is freezing or sweltering). But the thing that laying on the couch at my home sweet home in little Cameron Park has made me realize, is how much I stinkin love my family. The sinus-itis has forced me to stay home and chill with my family, which I am absolutely fine with. family is big and LOUD, fun and silly, caring and FULL of love. We have had our struggles, but we stick together and love each other unconditionally. I honestly couldn't even choose words to accurately describe my family. My heart feels as if it might burst when I think about them.
This isn't the first time this thought has occurred to me. Since I left for school I have missed my family like crazy and appreciated every minute of every visit. When I come home for a weekend I just want to chill with the fam. But even before I left I learned how amazing my family was. I have met a broad spectrum of people over the past few years with a broad spectrum of issues with their family, and it has been extremely humbling. I have had multiple people ask if they could join my family, steal my Mom, or move into my house...one actually did :) When I hear others talk about hurt caused by family struggle or when people compliment my family, I want to cry.
It sounds odd and out of place, but I do- I want to cry. Tears begin to well up in my eyes because I wish so badly that I could give a safe, loving, and comfortable home life to everyone. I wish so badly that people didn't have to feel pain and hurt in their hearts because of being home. Home is supposed to be "where the heart is", but how can your heart be in a place so unwelcoming and hurtful? It kills me inside that I get to have a loving family when so many others simply don't. I almost feel selfish for having it. If I could give everyone the love that the lack I would, and I kills me that I can't. My heart literally hurts when I think about it.
But then I realize that I don't need to cry, I don't need to hurt, I don't need to worry about those people not receiving love. AND there is something I can do. I can trust that the God who created them fulfills whatever feelings of hurt and/or lack of love they feel. And I can do this because He has done it for me. In my greatest trials and biggest hurts, I have felt God the most. I know that when I reach out and cry out to God, He reaches back and cries along with me. Because of this, I can trust that He will do the same for others. As far as what I can do...I can spread the love, comfort, peace, joy, and life that I have received through Christ. I can do my very best to live a life that glorifies Christ and let Him shine through me. I must be transparent and exude God's love. I must decrease, He must increase.
All of this to say: I am so unbelievably grateful for my family and the healing and great work that God has done in my life thus far.
“This is my comfort in my affliction, That Your word has revived me.” Psalm 119:50